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a shiny bead or a shock to the system?
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By zuulio, Section Diaries
Posted on Sat Feb 23rd, 2002 at 12:52:37 AM PDT
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things are going pretty well now. like stuff doesnt just totally suck anymore. shes still around of course, shes my friend and all and i think were probably going to be able to be friends for a long time. just not really a good time to be together with her i guess. thats cool.
strange though that there needs to have another female pronoun now. i guess from now on when i say she it will be a different she. fuck there are always going to be different shes arent there?
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heres the problem now since i guess i only write in diaries when there is some FUCKING PROBLEM, right? its like what happens when you all of a sudden maybe start getting what you wish for? stuff you never thought youd even deserve you know? and you kind of been thinking about this thing alot to the point where youve built it up into a really complex edifice problem. or more like youve been staring at it for so long that its now boiled down into this perfect little bead of clear jel because of the intensity of how hard you focus on it and it seems perfect, only almost incomprehensible anymore. like you have three words for your whole aching predicament, but when you tell them to people you expect to get what your saying they just look at you and go "what?"
yet.
shocking as it sounds sometimes almost accidentally even theres someone who goes "yeah!"
but this person surprises you too because you never even figured that was possible. because you spend all that time and intensity realizing that you probably dont deserve what you want. but then she... she... she goes "yeah!" and nods and smiles and its a huge shock and suddenly everything shifts around and theres another whole thing to think about which is is this really what i wanted, and if it is how can i keep it, how can i not fuck it up, or maybe i will just fuck it up anyhow becuase its so strange to seemingly get something you really deserve especially when its a surprise and your laundry needs to be folded and the ahstrays emptied.
yet...
ive been pretty much okay with the clothes in a pile and the ashtrays full all the time.
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