So I found myself in the usual unusual position of consoling a heartbroken female friend of mine -- a really cool one, definitely a cute one too -- over a guy she'd been seeing who'd left with another girl tonight. The starting lineup had first crack at sympathy for her loss, but just as I was about to leave, I found myself by her side and struggling to find some words of comfort for her dumping earlier this evening. All I could come up with was this:
"Honey, it's not your fault. Men are fucked up."
Which was the truth -- she's a pretty inoffensive gal, certainly someone worthy of extended attention. But as I got home, the meaning of what I said finally hit me:
"Men are fucked up."
As in, "Men are fucked up, sweetheart -- it's the entire damn gender. All of us. We're a bunch of tentpoles looking for the nearest available place of dirt to stick ourselves into. Your tears are attractive to us, we feel drawn to them, but I gotta tell ya -- we're all heels."
To her credit, she did say, "I wish I was lesbian" after our cheap attempt at consoling her.
She was quite younger than myself, someone I've developed big brotherly feelings towards, but still I couldn't get past the fact that I'd placed a stigma on the entire gender I happen to be a part of, and therefore, roundaboutly, defended it.
Weak-ass excuse, if you ask me. But then I wondered. I always wonder. (And it usually winds up here.)
Is there a dividing line? What type of men are likely to dump on pretty women like this girl, and why exactly can't the men on the other side of the dividing line get girls like them and make them happy?
This isn't one of my bemoanings on how unattractive I am again (I've kinda changed my mind about that, thanks to some girls who are either generous, kind or lying); it's just a question about what makes a man a real man, and what makes a man a player, and why I feel this occasional desire to divorce myself from the entire gender dilemma.
To a man, the guys I respect the most in this world -- the role models -- are guys who truly try to make things work with their mates, or have already succeeded. You know who you are. (Three of you are in my heroes list.)
Another guy I've known in the last few months was a huge, bigtime player in the last year, who as recently as four months ago told me he didn't think he could love anyone. I think I wrote about him here. I'm really thrilled to report he's been with the same girl for the last couple of months, and before her only one girl for six or seven weeks. (Trust me, that's progress -- I'm very happy I see less of him these days, and not because his companionship stunk, but because his opinion of himself was so low when we hung out together that I wanted to see him give what I knew he had to someone else.)
But still, this weird shit happens, and I'm either too good-hearted or naive to be able to understand why. (I vote for the later -- Self-Deprecation R Us.) Why is it we men are so prone to not appreciate what we have? We know it doesn't stand a chance of getting much better, so why do we throw it away?
More troubling, why does this really seem to fall within boundaries of gender?
I'm no better than most men, either. I have a fear of commitment, bigtime, coupled with the upsetting notion that I can get what I really want from a lover, and be who I need to be to that lover -- but that I'll never get the lover I really want. As a result I find myself impotent in the early stages of flirting, dancing, whatever it is guys need to do to get attention. I have no idea how to do it.
Still I tell myself I have broad standards, but I don't know that that's true. Women have been extraordinarily kind to me, and I've either rebuffed or ignored them. Why? No idea. Women have treated me like absolute shit and I've sworn my devotion to them. Why? No idea.
It seems like everybody else has an idea, and yet I don't.
But back to the "Honey, men are fucked up" thing. We don't have to be. Yet I believe we are. Still I can't fathom why I would ever use such a dismissive response to explain to a girl why there's nothing wrong with her.
There's a girl I know who, as far as I can tell, should be able to snag any guy in the room. Period. Yet she keeps getting involved with guys who, in the end, dump her unceremoniously. I feel strongly enough about this girl to feel like walking up to each of these guys, shaking them by the torso, briskly, and saying, "What the holy fuck is wrong with you?? Don't you realize what you just gave up??? Are there some meds you should be taking right now that you've decided to skip out on??? Do your lenses need higher prescriptions or something? What's your beef, idiot???"
I don't do that, however. And the constant rejection these guys offer these girls make me wonder if there isn't some virus my entire gender and sexual preference has.
Of course, I have to wonder whether I'd really be different. I thought I was being different a lot of the times, but it turned out, thanks to my insecurities, that I was being just as moronic as the rest of them.
So I guess I don't really know what's going on... some guys are arrogant and self-absorbed that they think everyone should be coming to them, I guess, and I tend to see them as the majority just because of political correctness or some damn thing.
The other guys seem to be so desirous of being with someone else, that they appear to be patsies.
Other guys are just stupid.
I guess we men tend to keep things to ourselves unless challenged or something. I don't know. I don't get it either.
I fall into the trap of being a typical man all the time, so I don't know why I made that comment to my friend tonight. It does seem, however, that I never get what I want, and when I get something good, I don't want it. I keep on waiting for the stars to align and shit, but it never happens.
And I'm guessing that's why men are fucked up, and why this whole network of failed hopes and bad decisions seems natural for me to explain away dismissively. It does seem to be with that way with single, or at least uncommitted, men -- we're either players playing the game, or losers watching from the bleachers.
I wish it was different, but these days the polarity seems to nab much more validity than it really should.
But goddamn, man -- why the hell do you dump girls like these?
Stop doing it. 'Cause it really knocks me for a loop, and makes me start writing cyclical stuff that can only end with a declarative, final statement, intended just to stop the discussion.
