Here are some of Mr. Dangerfield's internal observations that were most reflective of his pith and poignancy:
"I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!"
"Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, 'Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog.' He told me to get off his couch."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida."
"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!"
"One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
"My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg."
"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."
"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.'"
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, 'If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion.' He said, 'All right. You're ugly too!'"
You can almost taste the rimshots.
Possible revisions to this DW later.
Your Hall Monitor of Death says, I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it! (rimshot)
