Death Watch '05: Bob Denver, aka Gilligan -- NOW With Dial-A-Eulogy!
By Death Shrug, Section Columns Posted on Tue Sep 6th, 2005 at 10:02:11 PM PDT
Warmest greetings! More death! Bob Denver, who began his career playing pseudo-beatnik Maynard G. Krebs on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis before ascending to the iconic titular role on Gilligan's Island, is now the Lord's own "little buddy" at age 70. Update [2005-9-6 22:2:11 by Paul Shrug]: Eulogy/ies added.

Here at Satanosphere, we believe in giving our users a wide array of options. Since the passing of Bob Denver has affected all of us to varying degrees, we offer the following eight eulogies, from which you may choose one to honor Bob Denver in the manner most appropriate for your situation. OPTION 1 Bob Denver’s dead, and I don’t feel too hot myself. OPTION 2 Gilligan was…. Gilligan was…. a good man! I tell you now, brothers…. He was a good man… a good man set up to fail by those who could never understand him! The Lord will rain vengeance upon their empty, decrepit cracker souls! Can I get an amen???? OPTION 3 I can’t believe it. I remember being only seven years old when “Rocky Mountain High” first came out, and I was… That one’s too obvious, isn’t it? Sorry. OPTION 4 Come to, my mourning brothers, sisters all For now release the barge that carried seven And to each end, though destiny delays The echo of the steed, perchance to heaven Our guileless second mate, ceases to be No wretched cannon soiled his cloth maroon Errant arrows failed him not, nor blows Nor treacherous foil from enemy lagoon Shall we now silence coconuts of praise? And chart points on this grid, tho’ ne'er ours? If so, then let the Lord possess our waves I figure we’ll be back in about three hours. OPTION 5 Yes, yes, my friends. We may all gather here now to mourn Gilligan. Drink deep the dregs of sorrow if you must. For me, however, far too many questions remain about our so-called “little buddy”…. what did he know, and when did he know it? For there are some secrets that, like our frail cakes of flesh and sweat, must eventually be retired, and buried far, far into the ground, to where curiosity can no longer afford to reach it… Were these seven castaways without family? Did nobody know where they were? Was no notice given to those who would miss them? Are we to believe that an island no more than 120 minutes from the nearest shoreline can actually be considered “uncharted”? Was technology so reversed in the mid-60s that such land masses could not be detected using standard military equipment? Surely, there was something the public was not being told… and I submit, it was not a secret harbored by the Professor… nor the Headhunters… nor the so-called “Lovey.” It was that devious little man in the white hat. What tale, I ask you, does this dead man keep within his little raven’s heart? OPTION 6 Hi, I'm Woody Harrelson. I'd like to talk to you about... OPTION 7 Of course, I remember Gilligan from the old bathhouses, and what we’d call “gentlemen’s clubs” in Greenwich Village. Especially the Bent Drain on NE 45th. Deary, dear dear, those were some heady times, weren't they girls? I know I’m running the risk of being indiscreet here, but… Oh, why hold things back any longer?! You knew, I knew, we all knew… and Mr. and Mrs. Gilligan, why pretend you didn’t know?? That boy of yours wanted love just like everyone else! Be proud of what he meant to so many people! Which reminds me of this time I was having cocktails with the Skipper and Gilly. They were doing two shows a night at the Pink Lamp -- it was so cute. Of course they had their "anchors aweigh" number, but during the war they had to call it their "salute to the naval forces." Of course, we knew what was going on down below their navels, but... Oh, please, Richard Simmons! Don't pretend to be shocked! Honey, you're not foolin' anyone! Oh, anyway, anyway, I'm getting off point. So one night Gilly and Skip and I were drinking maitai's, waiting for the Cubans to come ashore, but they were running a bit behind, so the three of us conjured up this delightful... little... role-playing thing, you know what I'm talking about girls? Okay, so... They were working out this sort of “dream” scenario they’d cooked up one night after cabaret. See, Gilligan would wear this leather mask, Skippy had this gorgeous little vinyl camisole, Professor would be bound and gagged of course. The Howells were to dress up as the Marquis de Sade and his mistress, and Mary Ann -- well, we just gave Mary Anne something to do so she'd shut the hell up, you know? Anyway. Ginger would get these stirrups she had to special-order. Then I would raise my baton, Gilligan and Skipper would assume the "position," and at the count of three Skipper would stretch his... Oopsie! That’s my beeper! Lawanda, take it from here, will you sweetheart? Thanks! OPTION 8 So long, Bob Denver, we hardly knew ye. No, you don't understand. We didn't know you. At all. Bon voyage.

< Death Watch '05: R.L. Burnside -- UPDATE: Fats Domino & Alex Chilton, on the other hand, Are Alive (7 comments) | Don't let it die! (3 comments) >

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